Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
