i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
