Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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