Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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