Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
