I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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