You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
