Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
