Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
