the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize