there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize