as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
