I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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