dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
