I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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