I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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