Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
