When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
