dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
