Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
