Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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