After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
well you can't waste a boner
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Never underestimate the power of titties
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize