I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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