my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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