I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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