What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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