im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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