Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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