Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
