even my farts smell like vagina
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
