she woke up with a sticky ear
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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