so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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