I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
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