did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize