I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
