we have pet lesbian snakes
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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