You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
