Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
