I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
