I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
