I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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