It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
