i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
