You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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