just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
