the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
