I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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