Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
