I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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