Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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