you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
