Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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