he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
