I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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