i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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