just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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