The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize